Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
