This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
