Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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