i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
