He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I did not marry a roomba.
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