please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
