Just took my morning after pill in the library
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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