I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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