i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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