you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
