I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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