I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
