don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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