Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
