I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I intend to get homeless drunk
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
