i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
