I seem to have left my pride at pride
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
