I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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