Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
