I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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