Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
