my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
