i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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