Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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