Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
