Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize