I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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