Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
