All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
