you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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