why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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