hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
