i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Drunk is not a location!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
