Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
