i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
