I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
