i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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