i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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