smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
