Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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