nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize