i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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