Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
