I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
