Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
