remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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