He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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