well he's currently spooning the coffee table
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
