just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
