He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
