The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
