Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize