I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
