Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
