i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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